The reviews that generate the most fodder for ridicule are from those one-review-wonders who have enjoyed their dining experience at a particular restaurant on numerous occasions but never bothered to write a positive review. Then with one less than stellar outing, they muddle through a barely coherent tirade slamming the restaurant: the food, the servers, the managers, the owners, and their kinfolk, both past and present.
Here are a few of my favorite Urbanspoon diner reviews:
"Poor service ... regulars get serviced very well." I had planned on visiting that venue a few times to become a regular. I was anxious to get serviced. My bride said NO!
I marvel at the tenacity of the reviewers who claim, "We were sat and two hours later still hadn't been served." And your ass was Super Glued to the chair?
I have to wonder about the reviewers who write that they never, in their whole lives, have ever been treated so rudely by staff and management even though politeness oozed from their every pore, and then they "politely" write, "Stay away! Owner is a piece of scum and a dirtbag. Trust [sic]. Met him and would never support this place."
And, "Our party of 8 was refused service by these douche bags. We arrived at 9:50 but they are open until 10." Of course these folks would have no problem staying a few extra hours after their normal quitting time. Right? And for minimum wages? And then complain about the tacked on 18% for large parties?
Then we have the following two reviews from the same person, but of two different restaurants: "Horrible place my first time and found two hair in two plate." In a subsequent review, "A pubic hair, again a curly little hair, in my scrambled eggs!" Personally, I hate those curly little hairs in my eggs, so I wear pants when I dine out. Maybe this reviewer should consider a full body wax since they seem to be molting.
El Sombrero Restaurant down in Palmetto, Florida received the absolute best review I have ever seen posted on Urbanspoon. Back in January 28, 2013, Unhappy in Ellenton bought some "KY products" at a local Walgreens. Seriously, she wrote that in her review.
I must admit that this TMI revelation certainly piqued my interest, so I read on. It seems that in addition to her KY intimacy product, Unhappy was given a coupon to be redeemed at El Sombrero. I thought I might be closing in on a connection between a KY jelly coupon and a Mexican restaurant.
What transpired wasn't quite what I imagined. It appears that the restaurant did not honor that KY coupon, and that really rubbed, really really rubbed, Unhappy the wrong way. So much so that a slathering of KY lube could not even ease the burn. What then is a wronged KY jelly girl to do?
"...[K]now this, I have written poor reviews for this restaurant everywhere on the web (Yelp, KY, Walgreens, my own FB page and I live in a community of over 3,000 people 1 mile from the restaurant, I will post poor reviews in every hall, pool, exercise room in this community and the other 5 communities around us reaching thousands of local residents."
You go girl, that is really a slick move. The world really needed to know. El Sombrero might not be real thrilled, but the KY jelly folks are probably near orgasm with all of that free publicity.
In all fairness, I think it is only right to give the servers who put up with these idiots equal time. Meet Thadra Sheridan:
To close, I did come across a positive review that made me grateful for my college English professor's teachings. Wrote the reviewer, "I can't find enough adverbs to describe how good the food was." I might be wrong, but I think Ms. Perillo might have suggested trying a few adjectives.